💜Me at the airport waiting for my girls to get off plane💜 it was nearing Christmas and I had been in rehab for nearly three months. Depression was something all of us clients were feeling heavily with the upcoming season. We decorated the facility and made Christmas ornaments for the tree. They made it as nice and fun as they possibly could for us, but we were all very lonely and wanting our homes and families. Collette and Holly were trying to come visit for Christmas and my mom and my counselor and I tried to arrange something.  It had been a month since I saw them during Thanksgiving.  And though we went much longer in between seeing each other before this, this four weeks felt like an eternity. When all was arranged, my counselor gave me a day pass to be picked up by my mom and drive up to the airport, (an hour away) pick up the girls, and spend the day with them. It was such an amazing time! We had a blast!!! We spent the whole day just laughing and being s...

****TRIGGER WARNING**** DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ABORTION Most conversations I had with my girls over the phone involved tears.  Whether happy tears or sad tears....they were usually involved. We missed each other so much. I was missing things....important things.   I had been missing them for years but until I got sober I didn't realize it.  At first the high was distracting ....the rush....but after my body got used to the heroin coursing through my veins it was the numbness I tried to accomplish day in and day out.   Load after load after load.......til I would nod out, pass out, or get close to death. (Or I had hoped) But now that I knew I was missing out on the girls' lives it completely paniced me.  Sweet 16s, drivers permits and licences, periods, and boyfriends.  Things mom's should be a part of.  Not only did their lives get turned upside down from me turning into a junkie, but now they were in another state at a school that was 100 times bigg...

         So.....ya......pregnant.   I was barely 17 and fucked off and pregnant.  I was beyond happy and excited.  I remember telling Eric and we stood in the hallway in our condo and literally just stared at each other....speechless.  He was happy too.  So...um....shit.  What do we do with all the speed we just bought? Well I'm allready loaded, I mean I can do another....one more...line right? One more then Eric said he's going to flush the rest and quit with me.  We will do it together.  And we really did.  (Almost) We told our families and found an OB and started planning a wedding. We flew home to get married.  My parents signed off for me since I wasn't 18 yet.  I borrowed my stripper neighbors wedding dress and my best friend flew in to be my maid of honor. She wore my old prom dress.  We were married at my parents house and we went to the coast for our honeymoon.   I was 17, pregnant, and ...

It was a couple months into my rehab stay, and life was becoming more routine and more comfortable. My relationship with Collette and Holly was getting stronger every day.  Even in the midst of my worst days on the outside, we never fully lost contact.  But now that I was sober our relationships were growing and healing.  I had the time to focus on them and their needs.  We spoke on the phone daily, and wrote letters as often as possible.  I still have a box full of pictures, song lyrics, and letters that they sent me while in there.  Their struggle was real.  They had never processed or healed from everything they went through and everything I put them through.  They had a very hard time living at their dads house.  It was a complete different world than they were used too.   No matter how old they were, if they were upset or just feeling lonely, they would come crawl in bed with me at night and we would watch movies, eat junk and cuddl...