Snow

💜Me at the airport waiting for my girls to get off plane💜

it was nearing Christmas and I had been in rehab for nearly three months. Depression was something all of us clients were feeling heavily with the upcoming season. We decorated the facility and made Christmas ornaments for the tree. They made it as nice and fun as they possibly could for us, but we were all very lonely and wanting our homes and families. Collette and Holly were trying to come visit for Christmas and my mom and my counselor and I tried to arrange something.  It had been a month since I saw them during Thanksgiving.  And though we went much longer in between seeing each other before this, this four weeks felt like an eternity. When all was arranged, my counselor gave me a day pass to be picked up by my mom and drive up to the airport, (an hour away) pick up the girls, and spend the day with them. It was such an amazing time! We had a blast!!! We spent the whole day just laughing and being silly, as you can clearly see from the pictures.  My girls.  My loves.  My life. 

Got em!!! 💜💜💜

Being silly having a great time before I had to go back to rehab.💜💜💜

 It hurt my heart to say goodbye, but I knew that we were getting closer and closer to our goals.  I kept getting hung up on the fact that my girls were now young women and I had missed so much. Guilt would creep in and then my counselor would quickly remind me that there is no room for guilt. What's done is done and the only direction to look is forward.  Guilt could be dangerous in my parenting and for my progress.  She said that I could make two choices.  Parent out of guilt and have my girls have zero respect for me and use it against me (even unintentionally) or I could forget the guilt....be sorry....but parent out of love and respect for who I am today and forward.   One would fail and one would work.  I still struggle with this sometimes when I see one of the girls struggling or in pain....it's too easy for me to blame myself which leads to depression which leads to self hatred.   None of which are healthy for me or for my daughter's.  I worked hard to get where I am today and to become the woman and mother that I am.

IN SESSION:. So my friend in Michigan made all the flight arrangements and rental car arrangements and I flew out the next day.  Damion didn't know it until I was allready gone.  If he could have choked me through the phone he would have.  Oh my God was he mad.  I was sick and exhausted on the plane and sore from my medical procedure.  Having time to actually breath and let my shoulders down you would think would have been refreshing, but I was honestly constantly looking over my shoulder.  It seemed unfathomable that I was actually free and on my own. My soul was as worn out as a soul could be.  I felt very alone and very small.  I was sitting by a guy about my age on the plane.  He was funny and was very obviously from a bigger city than I was.  He was quirky and not afraid to be himself.   We were having drinks and when the flight attendant came and asked us if we wanted anything else he put his arm around me and told her that we were engaged and on our way to get married.   She brought us a bottle of champagne.   I felt like I had seen that in a movie before. It made me giggle.  I was actually having some innocent fun.  I remember being scared that we were going to get caught and my new friend telling me to relax because really it was no big deal. I didn't know how to relax.  I spent every second of every day on guard, afraid, and rigid.  As we drank more I was able to relax a little more. We talked quite a lot. It felt so good to have someone laughing light heartedly with me. Someone not looking for a reason to tear me down. The plane touched down in Detroit.  I had never been there.  I had another plane to catch and not alot of time but he talked me into going and smoking a cigarette with him real fast. It was so cold.   I mean so so cold.  I remember he said "hey look!" and spit in the air and it froze when it hit the ground.
I finally made it to my destination and to my friend, Charlie's beautiful home.  Michigan was beautiful!   I layed down and I slept for what seemed like days.  I kept apologizing to her but I was there to heal and she was there to support that process.  I missed Damion.  I woke up feeling paniced.  I knew I couldn't stay there forever but I also knew if I came back I would pay dearly for leaving because I knew it would take months for me to be strong enough to stay away from him.  Charlie showed me an amazing time.  She showed me what a real adult life should be.  She had her own business and lots of friends.  They had dinners together and played on a baseball team.   She had an amazing life.  I couldn't fully enjoy it, as I was still weighted down by Damions manipulation. I couldn't let go.  I could have changed my life and sent for the girls and started completely over.  Charlie had the means and the heart to get me started.  I've looked back on this so many times and wish I would have made that decision. I ended up cutting my trip short and finding an earlier flight.  Damion had been hounding me daily.  I became frantic to get back home. He was accusing me of cheating on him and I was desperate to get back home to show him how much I loved him and how loyal I was.  I hated myself.  I burnt my bridge with Charlie by going back to Damion.    It kills me.  She was my dear dear friend and I couldn't see clear enough and I wasn't strong enough to make the right choice.  She offered me the world and I chose Damion.  When I finally got back home Damion came right over to see me.  He seemed so happy that I was back.  He hugged me and held me close.   Maybe he changed?   I was gone for a couple weeks......was that what it took for him to realize?  We we're laying in my bed and I was feeling happy and loved by him for the first time in a long time.  He even apologized for what had happened before I left.  Then he started asking me about my trip.  I was telling him about everything we did.  He asked if I hooked up with any guys while I was there.....um...no?    He didn't believe me.  He said he knows I did and he knows I'm a liar.   I told him I wasn't lying. I loved him and only him.  He sat up and pulled me over on my back.   He grabbed my arms and held my hands above my head by my wrists.  Then he sat on top of me facing me.  He was yelling by then ....yelling about what a whore I am to leave him to go fuck other guys for a couple weeks.  I'm crying telling him I love him.   He puts his knees down on my arms to hold me down and just starts pounding my face with both fists.  My face was going side to side from blow after blow after blow.   I was seeing stars.  (Literally.....that happens for real). I felt a warmness dripping down my face and I was screaming and trying to catch my breath.  The whole time he was doing this he was screaming and crying himself.  Saying he just wants a girl who loves him. Why can't I just love him?! When he stopped he layed back down behind me and turned me back over on my side facing away from him and put his arms around me and told me he loved me and then he fell asleep.  I layed there sick.   Why did I come back.  Why had I believed him again?!  I seriously felt nothing but sick.   I cannot believe I came back......again.
The next morning when I look in the mirror I actually gasped in horror.  I had a black eye....(swollen and turning black). My lip was cut and fat.....my face was scratched with dried blood all over.   My neck and sides of my head hurt something severe.  It hurt to even try to turn my neck.  I couldn't possibly leave the house for days.  I stood in the bathroom and sobbed my eyes out.  I washed off all the dried blood and still looked like I had a scary Halloween mask on.  My eye was so swollen I didn't even look like me.  When Damion saw me that morning he said "What happened to you?!?".  I opened my mouth and then realized I didn't know what to say......?  Do I tell him he did this or do I say I don't know what happened or what?  What kind of a sick game was this?   I just looked at him.  It was one of the most terrifying moments I had with him. (Thus far) Why is he asking me what happened when he did this not 7 hours ago?  What is the right answer here? Holy FUCK man! He said he didn't mean to get mad last night but he was just so sad and so lonely when I left him.  He said he was confused and just wanted me to love him.  He said he knew he acted out but that he didn't do that to my face.  He acted very concerned and told me I should put ice on it.  He said that if anyone saw me they would think he hit me so I should stay home for a few days.
The story was that we were playing frisby in the backyard and it hit me in the eye.  Between that story and the sunglasses and .....well...the black eye, bruises, cuts and swelling....no one believed it. It was humiliating.
I got a job at an optometrist office. After getting off of meth in Michigan, I was quickly back on from the pain of abuse. I knew I would never be able to leave him if I didn't have any money.   I had never worked in medical before and I loved it. I did front office and back office and learned alot.  I started saving money and putting it away secretly.  I was still doing photography and loved both of my jobs. The photography was a little harder without the ability to go develop my film on my own at the place I had been fired from.  But I still had shoots here and there.  I yearned for a normal life every second of every day.  I was so trapped.  I had never processed any of my pain or learned any skills to be able to cope with anything.  I was always promptly kept in my place if I ever even spoke of anything that sounded like Independence.  Damion hated my family and made sure to try to convince me daily that they were horrible people who didn't love me.  I had no friends at this point because everyone knew what was happening in my life.  I was completely alone and severely brainwashed and abused.  I looked forward to work every day because it was a reason that I had to leave.   The only place I was allowed to go. I had been looking for an apartment for me and my girls because I thought that if I moved out of my grandma's house where Damion basically lived then I could start over.
One evening I came home from work and Damion was sitting in a chair waiting for me holding a letter.  It was from Charlie and was talking about how sad she was that I had come home and gotten back with Damion.  All about how she had wanted so badly to help me and I had just bailed on her.   It talked about the abuse I was going through and that I was better than the life I chose.  Damion is practically foaming at the mouth with anger.  Because of course he had opened it and read the whole thing. Why would I tell these lies he wanted to know.  Why would I tell someone that he abused me.  "You know I have never touched you!".  Again.....um.....what the fuck do I say here?  What's going to make him the least angry?  Tell him he's right ...I just wanted attention and that I know he's never layed hands on me and I'm sorry?   Yes...that's what I went with.  Wrong.   (Anything I could have said would have been wrong).  He lost his shit when I agreed with him.  So you KNOW I don't beat you but you tell your friends that I do???  Why would you do this to me??? What is wrong with you?? Why do you want everyone to hate me?! Then it goes from that to "you MAKE me hurt you!!!!!!! Wait....I thought you DONT hurt me?  What the fuck is happening?  I realize my cue.  I start running as fast as I can for the door.  Nope. Wrong move.   He's at the door before me and puts his hands on my shoulders and kicks my legs out from under me. I land square on my back.  Air knocked out of me.  He's on top of me choking the life out of me again. My sister and her boyfriend are sleeping just a few feet away in their room. I start hitting my feet on the ground as hard as I can. Until I can't.  I can't breath.  It felt like my eyes were bugged out of my head like in a cartoon.   Like they were going to pop.  Then blackness.  Then nothing.
I open my eyes and look around.  For those of you who have ever been choked out to the point of passing out you know that when you come back too....you have no idea what happened or where you are.   It's the craziest feeling.   I look up and my girls are standing at the stairway looking frightened and worried to death.   Oh my God.  Damion!   I look up at him and he looks at my girls and says in the darkest voice "Your mom is faking it. " And smiles like a crazy man and walks away. I get up and go to my girls and walk them back up the stairs.   My head hurts something fierce.  My poor babies.  They knew what happened.  They heard me fall and cry and gasping for air I am sure of it.  I hug them and tell them I'm so sorry and that I will get them out of here.  Collette asks me if I promise?

The girls and me during this time frame.  Collette had a slumber party and I did all the girls nails. 💜💜💜 Living at my grandma's house.

  I told them please whisper so Damion doesn't hear us talking and that yes, I have some money saved to move out soon.   I started shaking with rage.   My girls know what's up. (Not that they hadn't known....but they hadn't KNOWN....) I am going to end this. He has hurt me for the last time.  I start plotting my plan in my head.   I had been up for two nights and my mind was going to a very dark place.   The following night I was going to kill him. It would be self defense because there's no way a night would go by without him hurting me. It hadn't happened in so long.

The next night. It was snowing.  I had to protect my children.  I knew I was going to die in this relationship if I didn't do something.  I did line after line of meth and was going on lots of hours with no sleep.  The meth wasn't helping my nerves.   I got a bottle of southern comfort and started drinking on that.   I got my knife.  A knife that Damion had bought me with a beautiful handle with pink and blue flowers sketched into it.  I was going to stab him.  I knew he was going to come at me like he did nightly by this point.  So I was going to be ready for it this time.
****This was not a murder plot....it was a *how can I defend myself and make sure I'm not the one who ends up dead* plot****
I put on a huge down feather jacket and put my bottle in the inside pocket and went outside. I started walking.  The snow was coming down.  Everything looked strange to me I remember.  Slow motion.  Colors seemed vivid but everything seemed peaceful, quiet.  My mind was not racing like usual.....it almost seemed as if the whole world was still in that moment and the sound of my footsteps we're all that existed. I walked for a while...not going anywhere.  I remember my thoughts turned into words and I found myself talking out loud.  I was telling myself all the things Damion had done to me. I was telling myself I wasn't crazy. Convincing myself that I was going to be okay. I knew he would show up.  I wouldn't have to lure him to me.  He would come.  I drank the entire bottle of booze and started singing quietly while I looked up into the sky and watched the snowflakes come down. And then there he was.  Standing a few feet down the road in front of my grandma's house.  I couldn't see the details of his face but I knew he was smiling when he said "whatchya doin"?  In a mocking tone.  I said nothing.  I turned and faced him.  I tightened my grip on the knife in my hand. My heart started racing.  He started walking toward me. "Whatchya doin?"