Fuck you, Rona

I have not kept who I am today from you.  I have shared posts and videos about my PTSD, about my mental health, and about how I live today.  I am going to go down a rabbit hole in this written piece.  Because.....I have to.  Because.....I don't know what else to do.  I can't finish my previous started piece right now because life is SO different than it was when I started it.   My brain doesn't have the capacity to go back in time and remember things correctly right now.  My brain barely has the capacity to get up every day and smile.  I am struggling.  I know you are struggling.  We are all in something bigger, together now.  Our current lives.....COVID-19 Pandemic.  Fear, uncertainty, depression, confusion, and many more horrible words. 

I can't fucking breath.   I swear, every other day I have the virus.   It is so much fun being in my head during this time.  Being alone.  As in, the only adult in my house hold.  I have an annoying cough.  Every time I cough, my heart starts pounding.  Because.  Fear.  I have been home for 3 weeks alone with Jill.   She needs me.  She is smart.  She is sick of this.  She is very lonely.  I am her person.  She is scared.  She understands this.  I am scared.   Having a panic attack in front of a 4 year old is horrific.  There's nothing I can do.   She is asking me questions, and my heart is pounding out of my chest, I can't catch my breath, and a million fearful thoughts are racing through my head...."What happens if I get sick?  Where will she go?  Will she be okay?  What happens if she gets sick?  Will she be taken?....." I have no choice but to try to suck up a full blown physical and mental panic attack and weakly smile at her and answer her questions, or hold her while my skin is crawling off of my body, to comfort her.  

I am working from home, currently.  Let me tell you.  Working from home is HARD.  I'm not even comparing it to those out there on the front lines right now.  I'm saying....Working from home is Fucking hard with a child who is lonely and scared.  I can't take her to grandmas to play.   I can't do anything.  Nothing.  I can fucking do nothing.  So, I'm typing. 

I don't usually diagnose myself with depression.  I did today.  

I have been diagnosed with Conversion disorder by my psychiatrist. It's fun.   It's kinda like when anything physical goes wrong, like a cut, I don't see a cut. I see a cut that gets infected, that turns into MRSA, then I die.  It's a real physical symptom that starts it....and then my brain takes over....no matter how much I tell it to stop.   I have seen death at a closeness that no one should ever experience.  That turned into having PTSD, which turned into this shit.   So it's super fun trying to survive a pandemic with this disorder. Right now Jill is in front of me saying "Mom! look!  I'm a penguin!!  Am I cute?  I don't live in our world...I'm from a magical world..." and I am smiling and talking back and forth with her trying to be as present as I can.   It doesn't matter if I'm on my laptop or not, my presence is lacking. She knows it.  I'm trying to survive.  I'm trying to make sure she survives.  I'm in trauma brain every day of the week, month, year, unless I happen to catch myself.   Catching myself has been trying.  Nothing makes sense.  

I am coughing again.  I am scared again.  Here my brain goes down the rabbit hole. At least I don't have a fever.  Hmmmm…...I can't breath, I am coughing, and I read an article somewhere that stated many Oregonians have two of three symptoms, of course......fever is the one they don't seem to be having. So.  I have the virus.   What is going to happen?  Well,  I am going to die. I am a smoker.  I am over 40.
Are you having fun inside my head yet?  Jill is screaming " WADDLE WADDLE!"  as loud as she can.  She ran up to me to explain that's the mommy penguin calling for her baby penguin.  She doesn't deserve this shit.  It's 6:31.  My last cigarette was one hour and one minute ago.  I am trying to make myself go longer between each smoke, to of course, end in quitting completely.   I can wait 15 minutes. Can I? Just keep typing, Missy.  For 15 more minutes.  Stop coughing.  Be present.  You got this.  We are going to live through this shit.  ( I don't believe that right this minute)  Tomorrow will be better, right? My hands are going numb.  I have typed myself into a panic attack.  

Now it is the next day.  Not a better day.   Not a worse.  It's so hard to know what is real in this world anymore. From stupid Facebook posts to real news.  I don't go search for news other than current local updates once a day.  

Jill woke up super happy.  We had a sleep over in the living room last night.  She is always so happy and hopeful when she first opens her eyes.  Then as the day goes on its like she soaks it all up.  All the everything.  From careful conversations on the phone to the general vibe of life.  Bless her heart, she is trying so hard.   I love her so much.  Her personality turns fear into anger.  She has been angry lately.  Of course.  Who isn't?  We played outside in the sunshine quite a bit.  Which is also fun living on the bottom story of a tri-level apartment complex with top story neighbors spitting down to the ground,  And peeing.  Yes.  peeing.  During a national pandemic.   Fun stuff,  So, we play outside....then come in and do the routine.  You know....take shoes off outside...go straight to the bathroom....wash your hands while you sing the alphabet twice, peel off clothes, put in the "hot zone" basket, and jump in the shower.  When you have a near 4 year old who wants to play outside, play inside, play outside, play inside......it gets wearing.  But.  We do it.  We do.  We do what makes her happy.  We do what feels the most "normal".  If spontaneously wanting to run out the back door and run in the grass for a few sounds amazing....we do it.  Regardless of the stupid routine. 

I do not want to use.  That's super cool.  Because even just a couple months ago I was still fighting that battle often.  I am sure I will again......however right now.....with all this going on.....I am thankful for having a home......and for not being oblivious....although oblivious sounds like bliss right now....but you know what I mean.  I have a home to keep my child safe and sound and clean in.  I am thankful.  

Mental health.  

After what you have just read, I am nearly positive that I don't need to explain what I mean by "Mental Health".  I don't even HAVE mental health.  I have mental un-health.  How do you GET mental HEALTH when all of your PTSD and conversion disorder bullshit is all circling around sickness and death …and a national pandemic of sickness and death is added into the equation?  

You...…..meditate! Oh!  I can't.  I meditate and I have a beautiful little child full of life jumping all over me and giggling and laughing.  YOGA!  That could help!  If it didn't turn into me laying on my back and her pulling at my feet to hoist her up and make her fly!  Those are all fun things!  They are!! But when one cant catch their breath and are trying to do self care it can be quite hazardous. I could wait until she goes to bed.  But no I can't.  Shes insecure.  She makes SURE to stay awake until I am so exhausted she knows I am ready to drop and stay asleep without getting back up after shes asleep. Shes my person and I am hers.  Two peas in a pod.

 I was hoping that when I started this blog, that I would be able to finish it a hell of a lot better than when I started it.  I should have started it sooner, as you would have seen some real mental fun.  Anyway. I feel that maybe things are going to be okay. I don't know that.  But maybe. I know that there are so many theories out there around this pandemic.  I see them all over everywhere.  In fact, I stay off Facebook more than I ever have before.  It's a disturbing place to be scrolling through right now.
I believe that there is a virus going around the world and it attacks our lungs and kills some of us.  I don't believe in all the conspiracies.  I also believe that I don't know everything and don't pretend to.  I do, however, think that once the curve is flattened, lowered, our new laws will be lifted.  I don't think we are being brainwashed into martial law.  I may lose readers over that statement.  That's okay. I am transparent.  And, that is what I believe.

I am so fucking exhausted. I am so exhausted of being afraid. I want to live.  I am not and have not been living for several months. This all started before the pandemic.  This as in the corner my mental health turned.   So, I was tired before it started. I had pneumonia in February.  Before my pneumonia I was already struggling.  Jill started getting sick.  She had a sore throat.  Then I got pneumonia and influenza at the same time. (Influenza test came back negative, but they assumed it was a strain that didn't show)  My mom came and took Jill because I had a 103 temp. and couldn't breath.  I was coughing up blood.  It came on so fast.  I was SICK.   I don't remember how long it lasted, but a while.  I got better....all except the breathing.  Which, still is not good.  She continued to be sick.  I took her to her pediatrician in March and she had what looked like bright red glitter sprinkled all over in her mouth. They gave her a strep test.  It was negative. She started eating less and less. Then she started getting these blisters in her mouth.   I took her back to her Dr.  He said her throat was clear.  She started doing weird breathing things, also continuing to say her mouth and teeth hurt.  I took her to the Dentist. Teeth are fine.    I recorded her screaming several nights in a row that her mouth hurt.  I took her to urgent care.  Her throat was once again covered in bright red spots.  Also, she had a rash all over both arms, and a rash on her stomach the day before. They gave her a mono test.  Negative. They said allergies.  Possible auto immune disease.  "watch her".  I've watched.   Today she has a massive blister on the outside lower lip and a sore so bad inside her mouth she can't brush her teeth.  She is swallowing hard....for two months now.  I have stopped apple juice.  I have done everything I can think of.  Her fucking mouth and throat hurt so badly.  Nothing makes it better.  So.  While I'm having anxiety to a degree I didn't know you could get anxiety, my almost 4 year old has some fucking 2 month long "virus" or allergies severe..... to something I can't figure out.   I. AM. SO. TIRED.  I preach self care.   My self care is my painting.   I went two weeks without painting a single thing because...…..I couldn't.  She has a Dr.  appt. Friday with a Dr. that I hold in high regards.  My Dr.   I have written everything down, taken pictures, and plan to go in and get this shit figured out.  All I want is health.  Smiles.  Fun.  To enjoy every minute we are alive and here in this world.  And it seems that that is the last thing the world wants me to have. Her anger is out of control.  She doesn't feel good.   If I had sores all over my mouth and a sore throat for two months and all of a sudden couldn't go to school, see my friends, go to daycare, go to Grandma and Papas, and barely even go outside...... I would be fucking pissed too.
I am doing this all alone.  I have never wanted another person to be a person in my life so bad as I do now.  I love living alone and doing my own thing.  Not anymore.  I want a person.  Living with me.  I want help.  I want a break.  I want a moment to breath....I want to be the amazing mom I sought out to be when I found out I was getting a second chance at motherhood.  I want to just be.
I am working hard every day.  Every single day.  To over come this, or at the very least, accept it and learn to live with it and manage it.  I want my shoulders back down where they belong and I don't want to have a heart attack any time my child falls down because my brain makes it into so much more than is real.
I see a therapist.  Well.  I was going to.  My first apt with her was a week after "lock down" started.  I couldn't (wouldn't) take Jill to sit and listen to the inner workings of my mind.  So.  I cancelled it.  It would be super helpful to be able to go to see her.  I won't do it over phone because....like I keep saying...Jill has had enough shit....enough trauma.
I miss Collette and Holly. I miss my beautiful grandkids.  Can I please just fucking survive this long enough to give them all big hugs and tell them I love them in person?!  Feels like a lot to ask right now.  Anything feels like a lot to ask right now.  I feel like I'm failing everything.  I really do. Still smoking. I started writing this a week ago.  Smoking more now than then.  Jill's still sick and ya....what the fuck am I doing right?  Nothing is fixed.  Nothing is better.  Depression sucks.  Like I said earlier....I never feel depressed.   I hate that I do now.
Jill's birthday is Wednesday.  Another big let down.   I am not writing this as a pity party.  I am writing this in hopes that there are moms out there feeling the same way.  Actually I don't want ANYONE to feel this way.  I want to reach out to anyone who is struggling like me.  I want you to know you aren't alone. This shit is hard.  Life is hard without fucking COVID-19 and...well.....we have both right now.

Here's the good part.  I know that I am doing the very fucking VERY best I can.  I know that through all the worry and fear and through the real shit and the made up shit.....I am fighting as hard as I can to make it.  I am trying to do yoga, even when it ends up me making Jill fly on my feet.  I am trying to meditate, even if it's at 2 am.  I am trying to smile at her and tell her everything is going to be alright and damn it I am trying to stop smoking.   I am TRYING.  I haven't given up,  And I won't.  Ever,  I am a survivor of many things.....just like many of you.  We fight.  We get it.  We will go DOWN fighting if we have to.
A thankful list:
My family
My friends
The love and giving I see happening all around the world
The coming together as humans
The compassion I see
The old school friends who I've started talking to again
Meaningful exchanges
Seeing what matters in life
Counting my blessings instead of my money
Savoring every second face timing my family and friends
Smiling and laughing over Marco Polo app singing songs to my friends in a helium balloon voice
People delivering groceries so that I don't have to take my sick daughter to the store
People praying for me and me praying for them
My work
Finally getting into a work routine and not feeling useless
My coworkers
My beautiful friend gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy today.  A new life, hope during this hard time
My beautiful friend who sent me a whole lot of canvases and paint so that I don't lose my soul
My beautiful friends who drop things at my door for Jill.  A new toy, a new book.
For family facetime that gets insanely crazy with 8 people talking at once and kids screaming and wanting everyone to look at just them.
a beautiful friend buying Jill and I a year long wild life safari pass so she can see the animals in the drive through
Learning what's important
Learning what isn't important
I am alive today.
There are so many more to add to this list

I am alive in this moment.  Trying to learn how to live.  I won't give up.  I never do.
Please.  Don't give up.  If you're struggling mentally during this time.. It is no joke.  No joke at all. Reach out. Call and make an over the phone therapy appointment.  People care.  You matter. Now go make your own list.

I love you all.
Peace ad Health