February 18th, 2023
My first born died 30 days ago. I can't function correctly. I can take care of my little one....my mom is helping. But Collette is dead. I don't know........anything. Like WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!? Are you mother fucking serious? Three kids? THREE? Who the fuck is in charge here, and I want to talk to them NOW! How could a world, a universe, a GOD, be SO cruel? I have watched 3 children die...or held them after death, or saw them after death and couldn't touch them. My life is cursed and I am so fucking sorry to my two children left that they were born into this. I can't even fathom what cruel entity would be capable of this. I can't stop crying, I can't stop trying to text her. I CANT anymore. How the fuck am I supposed to? I KNOW I have no choice. I KNOW I am stuck being alive. What do you even do with that? Oh my sweet Collette, I can't do this without you. My first born, my best friend, I can't carry this pain. And your sweet baby girl. Oh my god.....Collette, come back. Please. Please come back. You were getting better. Oh my heart. My fucking shattered heart. I can't see the keyboard through the tears. I don't care. I don't UNDERSTAND. It feels like some ass is sitting up there with their buddies having a god damned beer saying "Hey, what about her? What if we take one child in a horrific and gory way and see how she does. Then lets get her pregnant not even a year after. She will keep this one from her scars from what she had to endure just months ago. After this ones 1st birthday we are going to have her abuser run over head .....twice. And make sure all her young kids are there to see the horror. We will keep her alive long enough for her mom to have to make the decision to take her off life support or not. Then let's see if she makes it. Oh shiiiit....shes doin heroin! Damn! That really did her in! Keep her fucked up even after shes sober. keep her in fight or flight and lets watch her try to be a functioning member of society after all this. What? She got sober? For her kids?? After being beaten and tortured for 7 years, walking on eggshells trying to keep her kids alive, had to kill one from how severe she was beaten, watched her other one die with her other daughers present, went on a heroin run for 5 years, lost her other kids, got sober and got them back?? Ha! She won't know what fucking hit her. She thinks she can overcome this? Not on our watch. Seven years later, a surprise pregnancy after the drs told her she would be unable to conceive again. And going through menopause... we can override all that and....bam! shes pregnant. A miracle. For four years we got to watch her raise her little girl alone in fight or flight, trying to hold down an over full time job , stressing the fuck out, taking her daughters temp before work and after work and before bed. We watched her lose it for so long when she thought she had it together. LOL Lets try something else. She has been single for 6 years and has vowed to remain that way from her domestic violence. Shes too scared. Lets put someone in her path that she will love unconditionally and give herself completely to. Then when she moves in with him we will make it SO hard, SO painful. Not abusive just alot of rejection and anger. OMG she loves him so much.....shes doing every single thing he wants. Shes literally giving so much of herself she is getting sick. This is fucking hilarious. She's lost 20 lbs. Lets have him kick her out but keep her close ......she will for sure lose it. Wait ....what??? She moved next door and still loves him and fights through the pain every day and night. Let's finish her. Kill her first born. By overdose ....by FENTANYL.
Here I am four weeks after Collette died. I am alone. I am afraid. I am so sad and broken. I have no fight left in me. I will never kill myself, I will never cause any amount of pain to my last two children on purpose. I am stuck being alive. My boyfriend told me last night I need to move out of the other house now. He's grieving my daughter and overwhelmed about finances. He wants me to move out for the summer so he can fix the house. Like......who cares that Collette is dead......It's just more stress and fear and more broken. It's a thousand tons more weight to carry out of my millions of tons. So less than four weeks after my third child died, broke because I haven't sold any art, because it's hard to do anything right now I have to literally break my little ones heart and make her never trust another man again....feel rejection and all the things....(She started calling him dad about 2 months ago). Oh my fucking heart. I have to go get a job Monday morning and move my broken little girl and my broken self out .....into a house alone.
Who ever is in charge is cruel and heartless. Humans are cruel and heartless. For the rest of my dead life, I will bring awareness to domestic violence because we didn't all make it out alive. For the rest of my dead life I will bring awareness to fentanyl and go as high as I can politicly to help the army out there fighting for our kids lives against this.
For the rest of my life I will raise my little one alone the best way I can. I will help her grieve when my heart can barely take her cries of sorrow at such a young age. I will have her friends over so she can feel as normal as possible. I will do everything in my power to give her the best rest of her childhood she can possibly have. I am scared and I am shook to the core and I am grieving in a way I never knew existed. Pretty fucked sentence coming from me. I will continue to give everyone grace and love. I will help everyone I can help through this hell we live on earth. I will love fiercely but I won't allow myself to be loved, I will give all I have but I won't take. I am not me anymore. My daughter is dead and the person I was madly in love with gave up on me 2 weeks after her funeral. I may not be worthy to anyone....but I will still stay stuck alive for my two children.
Not really a blog.....but I am here until I'm not. I will fight my cancer and my liver disease. I will quit smoking for my COPD. I will stay stuck for my girls. If there is a good entity out there........please help me.
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