I have not kept who I am today from you.  I have shared posts and videos about my PTSD, about my mental health, and about how I live today.  I am going to go down a rabbit hole in this written piece.  Because.....I have to.  Because.....I don't know what else to do.  I can't finish my previous started piece right now because life is SO different than it was when I started it.   My brain doesn't have the capacity to go back in time and remember things correctly right now.  My brain barely has the capacity to get up every day and smile.  I am struggling.  I know you are struggling.  We are all in something bigger, together now.  Our current lives.....COVID-19 Pandemic.  Fear, uncertainty, depression, confusion, and many more horrible words.  I can't fucking breath.   I swear, every other day I have the virus.   It is so much fun being in my head during this time.  Being alone.  As in, the only adult ...

It didn't take long for me to find my dad's pain medication.  And it took no time for me to go ahead and open up one of the bottles and help myself. The first time I did it, I took 4 pills.   Getting to do two 30s each was awesome.  Usually we got one each per day or we didn't even get an oxy......which was worse than just getting one. We went into the bathroom...... adrenaline kicked into high gear. We felt high before we even got our rigs out.  It was too easy.  We hadn't had to hunt or do anything for this.  We were literally giddy.   Laughing.  Anticipating.   We should have saved two for the next day but we had been borderline sick for days and we were finally going to be well....maybe even a little bit high.  I let Ger hit me for old times sake. We had struck gold. I rushed like I hadn't in a while.....and all the feelings came back. The infatuation....the turn on.....the seduction of the whole act.   Bo...

My heart is pounding. It's now or never. Fuck. He's right up to me now.  He's laughing at me.  I tell him I'm sick of living like this.  I have zero confidence and my lip is quivering.  Fear sets in.  Am I daring to stand up to him?  "Living like what?" He mocks me.  Still smiling.  "Like this!  Drugs, fighting, all of it!" He raises an eyebrow and looks very amused.   He tells me that the only reason he does drugs is because I make him and we fight all the time because I push him. He puts his hands on my shoulders and tells me to stop and come back in the house.  I said NO!  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.  His demeanor immidiately changes.  "We fight because you always do shit like this you crazy bitch!".  I shrug his hands off my shoulders.  I am sobbing but not because I am sad.....I am so angry and so sick of everything....I can't take any more.  I cannot take anymore.   I tell him I...

Hey!  It's been a WHILE! I have SO many reasons and excuses as to why it has been so long....but that would take so much typing on my part and reading on yours.  Short and sweet.......Life.  Life gets hard, life gets good, life gets sad, and life gets amazing.    It never stays in one category.  Mine usually bounces back and forth between all of those very swiftly. Day by day, even.  Single mom living paycheck to paycheck.....you all know......right?  Most of you know, I am sure. A lot has changed.   I am living my best life.  Right now.  To me that means I am succeeding in staying open minded, and am available to learn and to receive life's lessons.  People can have everything they wish for, but if they aren't teachable, they will never live their best life.  I have soooooo much to learn, but  I am happy with my view of life. I work and I take care of my 3 year old daughter.  I don't hang out with frie...

Heroin makes you numb.  Body and mind.......and soul.  At this point it is getting difficult to paint a detailed picture of my life.   I dont remember details....hours....days......or even weeks of my life.  I am working as a medical assistant at the Dr. Office.   Ger is collecting unemployment.    The girls are going to school. Ger and I are living souly for the purpose of finding heroin or pills.   There was no daily routine.....no family normalities. Half or more of the time the girls werent home with us....or they were and I dont remember. I am sick.  My income isnt enough.   Gers unemploymemt isnt enough. Our car is a piece of shit and barely runs.  We never had gas in it.  Ger stole gas cans from garages and back porches throughout our town.  The shed in our side yard was where we discarded the empty gas cans.  Ger would drive me to work to use the car to find drugs and bring them to me at lunch.  I shot up...